Here we are into the 8th week of my journey back into the world of “being in shape,” and last weekend, I came to a real sticking point mentally. Thankfully, it was a temporary one. You may or may not have the same feelings about this as I do, but for me, stepping on a scale can be very frustrating when you are trying to build muscle, lose fat and then…tell the world all about it. lol
The Good, The Bad…
Let’s focus on the good part first. My strength is increasing (video in my next blog will show you my progress), and I look smaller and tighter. Overall, I am putting the muscle back on that I had completely lost. That being said, the scale isn’t changing other than it’s going in the wrong direction. I am actually up a few pounds from my last check in.
Interestingly, everything becomes compounded when you fall off your plan. This particular week, I am dealing with hormonal issues, cravings, giving into eating food off my plan and then feeling guilty about making the decision to do so. You know that sinking feeling that I am talking about? You are on a great plan doing well, and then, BAM…you mess it all up.
Well, my day did start with feeling that guilt. Over the weekend, I went to a birthday party and just blew it! Any deviation from the allotted macros, and there is going to be a problem. Let’s just say it started with some bread, a few bites of this and that and a tiny slice of cake that was handed out to everyone. I didn’t eat a huge amount of food, but it doesn’t matter. You are either hitting your numbers or you are not. Then, because I chose food I rarely eat (no, the slice of cake isn’t something I eat often lol), I experienced digestion problems, which then added even more to the weight gain.
The next step is realizing that I have a blog due, and I was afraid. Here I am supposed to be dead on and focused, and I just wasn’t. Though it’s challenging, there is no way I am going to lie to you, the reader. I just don’t do it. It’s not a part of my personality, so in all fairness, I want to tell you what is really going on.
I cried over it at first, because I let myself down and felt like I let you down as well. Then it dawned on me that I have never built my career based on being perfect. I have always been very honest with my blogs, sharing my real life, because I don’t want to pretend to be someone that I am not. I want to be me and a part of that is displaying the survivor that I have learned to be.
In truth, you may judge me, but that is really something I cannot really worry about going forward. And I guess that is what really matters. I reached out to the people closest to me who helped me shape a new perspective, get my bearings and move forward. But is that alone really enough? What does “going forward” truly mean? If I don’t figure out why I chose to blow off my diet, then it will happen again.
Getting To The Core
Getting to the core—the actual root of a problem—is the only way to rediscover why I chose to do this and why I want to make a comeback. My life experience has taught me one distinct fact: You cannot do the same things and expect a different result. That simply doesn’t work. So I spent today exploring what is going on with me.
It comes down to a having or not having a deeply personal need. If there is nothing that I want so badly that I will do whatever it takes to get it, then I am setting myself up for the exact same setback down the road. So I went through a list and asked myself questions like: How does it feel to look the way I do right now? How does it feel looking at the number on the scale? What does it feel like not wearing size small sweatpants? And, then finally, do I want to give up and quit?
Maybe a part of me does want to quit. It’s not easy. I have dieted hard for eight years to get stage and shoot ready, but I chose that. Maybe I stopped caring. But, the bottom line is this…I want to care. I want to continue. I don’t want to give up on myself. It hurts too much. The pain of letting myself down is what is going to make me brush it off, refocus and go train tonight. These aren’t small issues. These are the exact ones that keep the majority of people from ever reaching their goals. Because if one’s needs aren’t huge, I mean life or death huge, it is easy to give up when the going gets tough. There is NO way I am going fail. I feel it in the deepest part of me. So I smile writing this, because I have an innate quality of turning it all around.
That may sound extreme, but I am a passionate woman. And I know if I allow my career to die, if I let go now it’s can be over right here and now. I promise, I am not done yet. I have failed over and over, and I am choosing to stand back up and try again. I have not finished what I set out to do eight years ago. It’s not over for me, and I am accepting this as another layer, a deeper quality that I know it takes to be a real champion. And as determined as I sit here writing this, I know I am going to finish as strong as I can, and continue until it no longer serves me on some level.
I Turned the Corner
I have not spent years of my life pursuing my goal only to stop now and wonder, “What if?”
I am also aware that I have gone years missing parties, events and social gatherings. And it’s OK, because I am reminded why I made those choices. I now have a solid, deeply rooted need and motivation going forward to ensure I am making decisions that keep me on my path to success. The pain of failing forced me to play this story out in my mind all the way to the end. It was the only way to get back the desire I must have lost somewhere along the way. And I have turned the corner. My deep searching, through penning my truth in this blog made me realize without question that I don’t want to ever do this again. And I won’t.
There was something going on, and my faith, which is very strong, has helped me through this deeply spiritual kind of self-evaluation. And I am grateful for that part of my personality, because I want to be better today than yesterday. And I believe without question, I most certainly am.
Thank you for sharing my life with me and allowing me to grow as a person. This blog makes me accountable, and next week, I just know it’s going to be a great check in.
NOTE: The fitness photos included in this blog are ones that I look at to remind myself that I have done this before and
I WILL do this again.;-)